Thursday, May 2, 2019

Commercial Critiques: Freddy's Dirt n. Worms Sundae

If you consume as much baseball as I do, you may start to notice a pattern with commercials -- namely, they are all terrible. A few years ago, I had nothing better to do with my time, so I wrote about a terrible Minute Maid ad. Now I have a lot of better things to do but I'm going to write about ads anyway.

Best I can tell, there are, like, four companies that bought Astros radio ads this year. They are Waste Management, Blue Bell Ice Cream, Daniels Jeweler's, and for some reason the International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers. All of their spots are bad in unique ways, but they have nothing on the Freddy's Dirt and Worms Sundae ad.

That's right. I scoured the internet for an ad I thought was exclusive to radio, only to find out there's an entire video that goes with it. In the interest of fairness, I will refrain from throwing critiques at the video itself, as that is not how I "consume" this content, even though it would be very easy to do so. For example: That kid's face is stupid. His eyebrows move an uncomfortable amount. The sunglasses-to-emphasize-a-point move stopped being cool in 1985 and for some reason I think they felt it necessary to ad a romantic interest in an ad about a milkshake with gummy worms in it?

Anyway, the ad is awful. Here is how it is terrible in painstaking detail.

"My parents said we're going plant-based. I don't know what that means, but it doesn't sound good."

My god. How has the public school system failed you this badly? You're what, 12 years old at this point and you can't suss out what "plant-based" means? I'm going to assume you've been outside -- you have sunglasses on after all, so surely you understand what a plant is.

Also, were you not listening when you parents sat you down and explained your diet change? Did you not have any questions when they were like, "Hey you know how we've been cooking and eating meat pretty regularly? Well, now we're not going to do that so much anymore." At some point you've got to grow up and take responsibility for yourself.

"Every once in awhile, a kid needs a treat."

Kids who know how to use a dictionary get treats. Until you pass 6th grade Language Arts, you're on probation from all treat receiving.

"A Dirt and Worms Sundae, please."

I'm sorry, what? The whole premise of this commercial is that this kid is being deprived of his God-given American Male right to eat red meat and the payoff is he orders a milkshake with no meat in it. Is no one going to explain to this kid that he is literally allowed to eat ice cream whenever he wants on a plant-based diet? Does he think there are Actual Worms in this thing? Oh my god, is he so stupid he thinks he just ordered a literal cup of dirt and worms and he's somehow sticking it to his parents?

Honestly, that seems like the best-case scenario for his intelligence and that's really saying something.

"If you're going to be bad, it better be good."

Who exactly is being bad in this advertisement? My money is on the restaurant serving a child who apparently just wandered in off the street. Not one person stops to think where his parents might be. He clearly thinks he's getting away with something so it's safe to assume they are not with him. Did he walk here? How many Freddy's are within walking distances of residential neighborhoods? I can't imagine it's a lot.

"Being bad never tasted this good."

Just to go back to the video real quick: Where are these girls' parents? Is there no adult supervision at this establishment? And why are they so impressed that he ordered a milkshake. Someone is bank rolling their outing. Go order one for yourself. This isn't that hard.

Also, Dirt and Worms Sundaes are terrible. The gummy worms add absolutely nothing to the flavor profile of the treat. All it does is slow you down as you try to tear your way through frozen, tasteless garbage. Just get a cookies and cream shake like a normal person.