Monday, October 5, 2015

Your Playoff-Bound Houston Astros

Jeebus. Who would have thought? I mean, yeah, I'm processing all the negative feelings that come with having lost the division to South Oklahoma, but when Cole Hamels titted out and rejected a trade to the Astros to join the Northwest Louisiana Rangers, there was a turn in the season narrative. "Nobody believed in us!" said the team with the $170m payroll and three future Hall of Famers. "We - the Southwest Arkansas Ramgers came and took it." Bastards. I hope they all get pink eye from rubbing their crotches on each other's pillows and I wish nothing but a lifetime of rocking back and forth with a Windex bottle of toilet wine as they mutter "One Strike Away" for the rest of the miserable lives they lead, in traffic.

But this isn't about the Metroplexuals.

Your Houston Astros are postseason bound for the first time in ten years. Nobody is more excited than the likely-hungover Hank Conger:

*Some people apparently got offended at the fact that sometimes baseball players use potty language when they get excited and/or make the playoffs.

*Rasmus: "To put it into words is crazy. Poppin' bottles is easier."

*Luhnow: "Hopefully they'll be making a movie about this one day."

*This is one of those things that, if I was morally bankrupt and a Rangers fan, I would find entertaining. But really I just want to punch a sackful of kittens.

*ESPN gazed into the abyss and unlocked the mystery of the Astros' success this season: Pitching, Home Runs, and Defense. So by being good at pitching, hitting, and defense, it turns out the Astros were pretty good. That's nuts. Why didn't they try that before?

*Oliver Perez: We're going to play one game and we're going to play like it's Game 7 of the World Series.

New York Media

NYT: Innocence is a virtue for the young Astros Do the Yankees think they can beat Dallas Keuchel?

Newsday: The Yankees have to solve Dallas Keuchel

NY Daily News: Yankees could have a problem with Dallas Keuchel