Thursday, April 5, 2018

The Ballad of #AstrosMovies


Tis Thursday now, and we’re all at work
At least those worth a darn
Allow me please an attempt to ease
The worry in your heart
For tonight is hollow, sad, and bleak
Our hometown boys don’t play
And in their place, James Harden’s face
Which is only kinda meh

Instead of wallowing in self pity
Or taking it out on the dog
May I suggest a moment to reflect
on a day that changed us all.
A day that brought to us such joy
Whilst the good guys were steady losing
A twittery gust delivered to us
The  Legendary #AstrosMovies

Mid-week February, 2013
New unis and the American League
We knew our team of misfit players
Was going to suck historically
But a hashtag appeared, we giggled and retweeted
Not knowing what we had done
The nation would learn of Astros Twitter
And they still have not recovered

It started with mention of Kent or Matsui
No one knows exactly who
Then Biggio… Bagwell… Berry… Berkman
Scott… Ryan… and both Alous
Wynn and Morgan, Aspromonte
We quickly expended brand names
So, we dug into the second tier
For those with only local fame

There was Backe, Sampson, Wallace and Schafer
Harrell, Norris, and Spiers
Sambito and Saarloos, even Tim Redding
Eusebio and some guy named Gary Geiger
Blummer was in there, though still on our list
For what he did in ‘that’ Game 3
Both the Everetts, Deshais, Brandon Duckworth
And the legendary John Cangelosi

And just when we thought the moment had passed
Another hashtag had come and left
“Alas! We’re trending!” came the cry
The whole nation chimed in with their best
There were movies from Speilberg and Tarantino
Scorsese had so many great flicks!
Good Will Hunting and Pulp Fiction were in there
(this was before Weinstein showed everyone his dick)

One day it started, the next it continued!
We were finally a national story!
Maybe this was the year we’d stop being terrible
And return to the old days of glory!
“Carlos Pena is ours and Ankiel too
And Maxwell and Carter have some pop
Norris is young, Humber was perfect
Our fourth starter is some guy named Peacock!”

Little did we know our season’s lone highlight
Came before pitchers and catchers arrived
The year was much like a fiery dumpster
 On a train wreck that no one survived
CSN made sure there were no witnesses
To the end of so many careers
There were bright spots named Altuve, Marwin, and Dallas
But the rest sucked a whole bunch of rear

The hashtag arises from time to time
An old friend wishing us well
We kindly nod, perhaps add to the list;
An addendum to an already epic tale
So tonight while you’re aimlessly pacing
Or re-watching Game 5 of The Series
Take a moment for ye ole #AstrosMovies
And wish all Rangers fans herpes.

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