Wednesday, April 11, 2018

The Astros are Actually The Avengers; BONUS: I learned how to use MS Paint!

     So, I realize the section of the world’s Venn Diagram that includes Astros and Marvel fans might be a little skinnier than others, but we had to sit through an entire Twitter timeline of wrestling tweets, on Sunday night, so I don’t care. The Avengers: Infinity War is coming out at the end of this month, and it has some of us a little more than slightly aroused. For the uninitiated, this whole thing started way back in 2008 when the first Iron Man movie came out. Marvel was just trying to keep from falling back into bankruptcy and figured a movie or two could help with toy sales. Ten years later you have a million movies with a billion characters, and an unstoppable juggernaut franchise. The Astros also spent the last decade amassing their own superheroes. Trades, free agents, international signings, and last, almost least, (even though some will try to tell you different) the draft. They just wanted to sell a few tickets and hats, but then, holy hell, we won the damn World Series. I realize some of you won’t know every Avenger and there might even be some who aren’t familiar with every Astro. Fret not! The LOLs are there for you as well. So without further ado, here is every Astro paired up with their spirit Avenger.

(Note: this list is infallible, and no debate or criticism will be required or acknowledged. Have a wonderful Wednesday)

Dallas Keuchel – Iron Man

     Back in ’08 when Iron Man came out, some thought it wouldn’t catch the nation’s attention, like Marvel hoped. I mean freaking ‘Speed Racer’ was out the same weekend, ya know? (Lance Zierlein knows… ask him…). IM 1 was good by itself. IM 2 was meh. IM 3 was decent. But the times Tony really shines is when he hooks up with the other Avengers to kill alien things or robots or whatever. Ok, so it doesn’t sound that cool but go see the movies. Keuchel was pretty good by himself, but once Luhnow started throwing a few other superheroes around him, BOOM, WORLD Series. If you’ve seen a couple of these movies, you’ll notice Stark crashes and breaks his suit all the darn time, and has to take a break from Iron Man-ing. Sound familiar? ‘I get it Clint, but I’m just not totally convinced… do you have one more similarity that can push me over the edge?’ You bet your balls I do… Robert Downey Jr’s contract is up after this year. There are rumors he’s done. Not coming back. As for DK60…

McCullers – War Machine

     War Machine is like the Pepsi to Iron Man’s Coke. Looks almost identical, can melt nails, but just isn’t the real thing. Would I want War Machine on my side? Absolutely. Would I pick him over Captain America or Iron Man? Don’t be a stupid dummy. Also, both WM and LMJ have good butts, according to the females.

J.D. Davis – Happy Hogan

     Happy Hogan is played by that guy who was in Friends and played Monica’s billionaire boyfriend, but she dumped him because he wanted to be in the UFC and she didn’t want him to. Not sure what happened to him after that. Anyway, JD Davis is alright, but he’s probably better served in Fresno this year.

Justin Verlander – Captain America

     Justin IS America. Hot blonde model wife, loves baseball, and turned his back on Detroit the first chance he got. Verlander is well known for his durability too. Dude never misses a start. Well let me tell you a story called Captain America was freaking FROZEN for decades and popped right out of bed to sprint around Manhattan. There were several ways the Captain could’ve gone, but JV was the best fit. Don’t @ me.

Gerrit Cole – Falcon

     “Don’t look at me… I just do whatever HE does…” Falcon so appropriately told Nick Fury in Winter Soldier. The HE was, of course, Captain America, and by dog, Gerrit Cole has gone out and done exactly what Verlander has done, so far. Strikeouts, innings, utter dominance, and doesn’t bitch about the team store not having his jersey for sale. 

Brian McCann – Thor

     If I asked you to throw on a bunch of armor while I shoot balls at your face for three hours every night, I bet you wouldn’t do it. That’s some strength right there, pal. Thor is one of the strongest and if you had to squat behind a plate while a guy stood in front of trying to hit your buddy’s stuff with a stick, and an old man stood behind you grunting, well you’d be pretty strong too. Not to mention, McCann hits like he’s missing an eye, sometimes.

Ken Giles – Loki

     Laughter and whimsy? Check. Fights for the good guys? Check. Occasionally turns and brings a horde of aliens from across the universe to destroy the city? Sad face check. Everyone goes back and forth on Loki. There are some who get where he is coming from. There are some who think he needs to grow the hell up. There are even Loki apologists! Giles has all the talent he could need, but boy does he spend a lot of time in his head trying to find ways to mess shit up.

Evan Gattis – Hulk

     Gattis strikes me as sneaky smart. He was supposed to go to A&M which is where all geniuses enroll for a handful of years, get kicked out for bad grades, find work at the Dixie Chicken, and then return to Houston to make friends with a bunch of guys they met in a chatroom for 1560 The Game. Wait…

Brad Peacock – Black Widow

     No one really knows where Peacock came from. I mean sure we know he was traded over from the A’s in one of the '27 Trades of Jed Lowrie' (BAND NAME! I CALL IT!), but where did THIS Peacock come from. I’m 93.2% sure the real Brad was kidnapped and sold somewhere around 2015 and replaced by this sleeker version with a better slider. Also, much like Black Widow, no matter what he does, he can’t get his own stand-alone movie.

Derek Fisher – Hawkeye

     Fisher has a red beard. Hawkeye’s name is Clint. This is obviously one of my favorite characters. DFish is relatively new to the squad and doesn’t have real super powers to speak of, but he’s a key cog to the machine even thought he didn't make the stupid movie poster I used.

Carlos Correa – Adam Warlock

     So we haven’t seen Adam Warlock in the flesh, but we know he exists, due to a post credit scene from GotG2. This dude is basically a cross between Jesus and mid 70s Burt Reynolds. Perfection. So is Correa. Five tools, a flare for the dramatic, a savior to entire cities, and quite the looker! (construction worker whistle!). Can you imagine how cool he’ll be when he can finally grow a full beard? Don’t me wrong. The ‘I grow facial hair in the pattern of a forest that was mostly leveled by a nuke’ look isn’t all that bad. And honestly, if it could get someone as pretty as Carlos Beltran to fall for me, it could be worth a shot.

Jake Marisnick – Bucky Barnes

     We’ll start at the top. Them locks, tho… beautiful flowing locks of magically mesmerizing mahogany tinted hair… (shivers) The similarities don’t stop there, though! Guess who ended last year on the disabled list with only one good human hand. Hint: Jake and Bucky BOTH. Uh does Jake lead the team in homers that were hit harder than my old Galveston bong? You bet your sweet ass. Would Captain America do anything in the world for Jake INCLUDING breaking up the super hero Beatles? I know I would. Jake is a dreamboat. I love you Jake. We should be together…… 😐…. OK who’s next?

George Springer – Black Panther

     This guy should’ve been brought in the mix earlier than he was, but the powers that be didn’t want to because they just knew he would be awesome and they’d have to pay him sooner than later. But, see, with them waiting to showcase the fella, they don’t have to worry about his big contract until a few older big-name dudes are out of the picture. Oh! and he’s a badass from a foreign (Connecticut) land that no one understands, or likes, who can basically climb any tree and do gymnastics, and stuff.

Chris Devinski – Dr. Strange

     Devo goes by ‘Dragon’ which is sort of weird. Weird is another word for ‘Strange’. This character’s name is literally Strange, and he does magic which reminds me of dragons all over again. Crazy circle! Dr. Strange makes circles and throws stuff through them! DEVINSKI THROWS A CIRCLE CHANGE AT PEOPLE! SOMEBODY MAKE IT STOP

Will Harris – Wong

     Wong and Strange are buddies. Something more? We’ll see. For now, they hold hands and skip across the magic world and occasionally vanquish that pale chick from ‘Burn After Reading’. Harris seems like he’d be a badass sidekick.

Josh Reddick – Spider Man

     I have a stern ‘you’re a douche if you give yourself a nickname’ policy, but with the Amazing Joshua, I’m going to let it slide. Dude climbs so many walls, you’d think he was trying to get into the country. And attention? My boy Redd Redd (it’s a thing!) don’t GAF. He’ll slap you in the face with his sticky web goo and be home in time for dinner with his smokin hot aunt, like it ain’t no thing. (CS Note: the hot aunt reference is obviously for Marisa Tomei, but I ain’t sleepin on Sally Field, folks) (CS Note 2: I realize this is the second reference to a character from ‘Smokey and the Bandit’, so stay tuned for a Jerry Reed reference)

Alex Bregman – Star Lord

     Does he occasionally talk shit? Yes. Does he have some questionable friends? Well, yeah. Has he ever made out with a hot green chick after banging a hot red chick? I mean it’s entirely possible. Let’s think this one through… Bregman is from where? New Mexico. What are the only two things that have ever happened in New Mexico? That’s right: Breaking Bad and the Roswell space craft crash of 1947. Roswell, you say? Aliens, buddy. Big ole green-assed aliens. I’m not saying Bregman is part alien, but I’m also not saying that he’s not not not not part alien, if you catch my drift.

Yuli Gurriel – Groot

     Groot is literally a tree. A tree that has said three words in English during his MCU tenure. A tree whose hair is a bunch of wiry branches. Groot occasionally causes some mischief because he simply doesn’t know how to act in this new land. Yuli is literally Cuban. A Cuban that kinda sorta did a single interview in English during one of the team’s locker room celebrations last year. A Cuban whose hair is an unkept pineapple looking thing. Yuli was suspended for five games because he caused a little mischief after ruining Yu Darvish’s career, but he felt bad, so he came back in Game 5 and ruined Clayton Kershaw’s legacy, as well. They mean well, but what’re ya gonna do? *shrug emoji*

Marwin Gonzalez – Drax the Destroyer

     Drax is from another planet and doesn’t understand human sarcasm. He also accidentally breaks a planet, I think. One of my recurring nightmares places me squarely on stage doing stand up to a room full of Marwin Gonzalezes. Gonzalezez. Gonzaliezi? Marwins. Anyways, its pitch black dead quiet the whole time and at the end Marwin throws a quarter at me. The worst dream ever. Fun fact: Drax and Marwin are names that didn’t exist before these two entered our world.

Max Stassi – Rocket Racoon

     Stassi is a smaller dude without any real superlative. Rocket Racoon is a racoon (mostly) who wise cracks and is supposedly voiced by Bradley Cooper (is he though?). I can see Stassi digging through a dumpster out back looking for some tasty vittles just like I could see Rocket catching the hell out of a Dallas Keuchel 1-2 two seamer that just catches the plate, sending Delino DeShields back to the dugout shaking his damn head.

Morton – Vision

     Vision is this magical mystical robot thing that Robert Downey Jr. created by putting a scary rock into his Alexa. Vision is smart as hell, but ain’t much for humans or their feels. Charlie Morton has probably said, off the record, that having to hug 24 other sweaty dudes after closing out Game 7 was the worst moment of his entire life, and I don’t blame him.

McHugh – Scarlet Witch

     Scarlet Witch has a sweet curveball, but occasionally hangs it to the wrong batter, and must watch it clear the train tracks. Colin McHugh accidentally killed a bunch of civilians and kicked off the events of Civil War, before falling in love with Tony Stark’s Alexa. Ok look. There are 26 of these guys. I had to force a couple. Just go to the next one, please.

Sipp – Mantis

     Mantis was a bug looking lady in Guardians of the Galaxy 2, which I never saw. Apparently, Kurt Russell plays a planet and Chris Pratt got divorced because of it. I don’t know. I’m not good with news. Anyways, Mantis seems pointless and doesn’t belong. Side note: Tony Sipp winked at a girl I was dating, DURING A GAME back in 2014. Ever since then, he’s been stinky doo doo. Coincidence?

Smith & Rondon– Gamora & Nebula

     The two new guys that we aren’t sure how to feel about yet get to be girls from outer space that we aren’t sure we can trust. I mean they’re dad is Thanos. Are we sure they aren’t going to turn and follow Loki/Giles down a dark dank hole of despair misery and outright painful performances? Or will one of them make out with Bregman while the other plays Jumanji with the rock? Its too early to tell, folks.

Altuve – Ant Man

     This one was pretty easy for the most obvious reason. EVERYONE loves Paul Rudd. He’s been in SO many classic films. “Our Idiot Brother” is the reason I named my dog ‘Willie Nelson’. You know who else is universally beloved? Jose Gosh Darn Altuve. Couple that with the fact that he’s a super strong ant, and some other save the day type stuff that probably happened in that movie (let’s be real… nobody saw it, right? We just know about him because of Civil War?) and you get the MVP.