Thursday, September 10, 2009

Astros County's own version of Texts From Last Night

My cousin is a Braves fan through and through. So we had this text volley last night:

Cuz: Wow. Tejada is now one of those players I hate unless they are a Brave.

AC: You can have him after this season. Free agent. Total contract year performance.

Cuz: No thanks. I wouldn't want to subtract from your extreme team age.

AC: Seriously. If Tejada re-signs, the average age on Opening Day 2010 will be 62. (our grandfather) will get a non-roster invitation to Spring Training. And win a job.

Cuz: Hilarious. Laughing hard.

AC: He'll be a defensive replacement for Carlos Lee.

Cuz: He's faster. That's for sure.

AC: More fit, too. Harder work ethic.

Cuz: Absolutely. Church groups visit the Astros clubhouse on their senior citizens' home circuit delivering communion.

AC: There's a Meals on Wheels stop at Minute Maid. And the Scouting Reports are in large print.

Cuz: They have fiber one and geritol in the dugout, and a soft frozen yogurt dispenser.

AC: Lawrence Welk is the post-game music in the clubhouse

Cuz: They all eat dinner at 4:30 pm. The favorite team restaurant is Furr's Cafeteria.

AC: The only time they get angry is when Furr's runs out of fried fish and okra

Cuz: 7 current players are WW2 veterans.

AC: Four got struck out by Satchel Paige

Cuz: They get pissed if the half maraschino cherry is not on their tapioca. The DL has a "fell unloading the dishwasher, fractured hip" category.

AC: I'm laughing too hard. Give me a minute.

Cuz: Under their jersey is a Life Alert system, for when they can't stand up diving for a grounder.