My cousin is a Braves fan through and through. So we had this text volley last night:
Cuz: Wow. Tejada is now one of those players I hate unless they are a Brave.
AC: You can have him after this season. Free agent. Total contract year performance.
Cuz: No thanks. I wouldn't want to subtract from your extreme team age.
AC: Seriously. If Tejada re-signs, the average age on Opening Day 2010 will be 62. (our grandfather) will get a non-roster invitation to Spring Training. And win a job.
Cuz: Hilarious. Laughing hard.
AC: He'll be a defensive replacement for Carlos Lee.
Cuz: He's faster. That's for sure.
AC: More fit, too. Harder work ethic.
Cuz: Absolutely. Church groups visit the Astros clubhouse on their senior citizens' home circuit delivering communion.
AC: There's a Meals on Wheels stop at Minute Maid. And the Scouting Reports are in large print.
Cuz: They have fiber one and geritol in the dugout, and a soft frozen yogurt dispenser.
AC: Lawrence Welk is the post-game music in the clubhouse
Cuz: They all eat dinner at 4:30 pm. The favorite team restaurant is Furr's Cafeteria.
AC: The only time they get angry is when Furr's runs out of fried fish and okra
Cuz: 7 current players are WW2 veterans.
AC: Four got struck out by Satchel Paige
Cuz: They get pissed if the half maraschino cherry is not on their tapioca. The DL has a "fell unloading the dishwasher, fractured hip" category.
AC: I'm laughing too hard. Give me a minute.
Cuz: Under their jersey is a Life Alert system, for when they can't stand up diving for a grounder.
We didn't come out here to play tiddlywinks, son.
-Hal Smith
