Your Playoff-Bound Houston Astros

Jeebus. Who would have thought? I mean, yeah, I'm processing all the negative feelings that come with having lost the division to South Oklahoma, but when Cole Hamels titted out and rejected a trade to the Astros to join the Northwest Louisiana Rangers, there was a turn in the season narrative. "Nobody believed in us!" said the team with the $170m payroll and three future Hall of Famers. "We - the Southwest Arkansas Ramgers came and took it." Bastards. I hope they all get pink eye from rubbing their crotches on each other's pillows and I wish nothing but a lifetime of rocking back and forth with a Windex bottle of toilet wine as they mutter "One Strike Away" for the rest of the miserable lives they lead, in traffic.

But this isn't about the Metroplexuals.

The @Astros would be the first team ever to say "nobody believed in us!" and have it be accurate.

— keithlaw (@keithlaw) October 5, 2015

Keith Law, on Olney's podcast yesterday: "[The Astros'] start is not real, and I would not take it seriously."

— Thickie Don (@AstrosCounty) May 1, 2015

Your Houston Astros are postseason bound for the first time in ten years. Nobody is more excited than the likely-hungover Hank Conger:



*Some people apparently got offended at the fact that sometimes baseball players use potty language when they get excited and/or make the playoffs.

*Rasmus: "To put it into words is crazy. Poppin' bottles is easier."

*Luhnow: "Hopefully they'll be making a movie about this one day."

*This is one of those things that, if I was morally bankrupt and a Rangers fan, I would find entertaining. But really I just want to punch a sackful of kittens.

*ESPN gazed into the abyss and unlocked the mystery of the Astros' success this season: Pitching, Home Runs, and Defense. So by being good at pitching, hitting, and defense, it turns out the Astros were pretty good. That's nuts. Why didn't they try that before?

*Oliver Perez: We're going to play one game and we're going to play like it's Game 7 of the World Series.

New York Media

NYT: Innocence is a virtue for the young Astros

NJ.com: Do the Yankees think they can beat Dallas Keuchel?

Newsday: The Yankees have to solve Dallas Keuchel

NY Daily News: Yankees could have a problem with Dallas Keuchel